someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize