One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize