I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
