After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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