I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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