I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
