this boner is exhausting
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
