why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize