I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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