While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
