The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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