Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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