We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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