when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
