I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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