if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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