Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
