he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
worst night to have a conscience
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
