My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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