Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
