yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Don't make out with my wife yet
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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