One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
