I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
NoShamevember. You game?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
