I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
