My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
