I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
