Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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