The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I am naked and annoyed.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
