I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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