there were more penises there than on chat roulette
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
