I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
