I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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