oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
