He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just invented taco cereal.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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