honey bunches of taint.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
