i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
