I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
