My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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