i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize