just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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