By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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