Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
