I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
