Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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