there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
