everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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