This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
