I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
