If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
