Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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