i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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