They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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