I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
