i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
