I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
