I can text with my tongue
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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