it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
