I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
