Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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