i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
