Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
